You Gotta Stand For Something or You'll Fall For Anything
I'm convinced that if we humans live for any length of time on this earth, our principles will be challenged at least once along the way. There's an old country song that says, "You gotta stand for something or you'll fall for anything." Though I'm not a big fan of country music, I am a fan of the premise of the song.
In order to defend personal values, you have to first know who you are, second know the finer points of your value system, and third have enough respect for yourself to check a challenger's hat at the door. This will involve conflict, sometimes all-out war or hand-to-hand combat.
I was fortunate to grow up in a household where good examples of conflict resolution were displayed. Sometimes it wasn't comfortable to watch, but I learned how to handle conflict and most importantly, not to be afraid of it. My first recollection of using my conflict resolution skills came at about the age of 9. The neighborhood bully, a little girl by the name of Amby, made the fatal error of pushing my sister off of her tricycle and absconding with it. Of course, Gina came home crying and between sobs relayed the story to my parents, who counseled with her and then sent her back outside to handle the matter. I was sent along, too, as the enforcer.
When Gina and I approached Amby, she gave us a surly look and I could tell immediately that the outcome wasn't going to be positive. I wasn't worried. She was outnumbered. Gina asked Amby nicely for her tricycle back, just as my parents had instructed her. Amby said "no." Gina told her she was going to ask her one more time, and she did so, very nicely. Again, Amby said "no." Now came my turn. Very firmly, I said, "The trike belongs to Gina. Get off or I'll take you off." I counted to three. Amby (who apparently wasn't the sharpest tool in the shed) stayed put in the trike seat. I gave her a good shove - strong enough to send her and the bike toppling over. I picked up the trike (sans Amby) and Gina rode off. Needless to say, Amby didn't bother Gina again.
More recent examples involve more subtle bullies. Back at the beginning of my career, I was working for a municipality in economic development. I worked with a board of advisors made up of prominent citizens in the community. As with most powerful boards, there was a tremendous amount of politics, division, and internal conflict. It always seemed we were spinning our wheels and going nowhere fast. Not comfortable with the status quo, and as the paid staff person charged with making things happen, I took matters into my own hands and developed a plan of action to help the businesses in town we were supposed to be serving.
Worker's compensation insurance was a hot-button issue in Oklahoma at the time and a major concern of manufacturers, so I invited a lawmaker who had spearheaded the effort to reform worker's compensation laws to speak at a luncheon for area businesses. I knew this individual on a personal level and she readily agreed to come. When I announced the event to the board, one of the board members threw a ring-tailed fit because I did not go through his connections to acquire this speaker. I was asked how I did it and I told him that I knew her, too.
My boss, who was highly skilled in all things political, advised me that I needed to apologize to this board member at the next board meeting. I asked, "What for?" His reply was that I had offended and embarrassed this person and that I should have gone through him to make my connection with this public official. I told my boss that it would be a cold day in hell before I apologized to this individual for doing my job.
At the next board meeting, my boss began the meeting by saying, "I think there is something Angela would like to say..." All eyes turned to me. There was stone-cold silence for some time, after which I said, "Thank you for the opportunity, but there's really nothing I wish to say." After the meeting, I told my boss never to set me up like that again or I would embarrass him even more than I did that day. I also took the rest of the day off, heading home to start a search for a new job, since apparently I needed to sell my soul to the devil to keep the one I had.
There are people I know who avoid conflict at all costs. I have found that when I avoid conflict, I often abdicate the decision-making process to someone else and must settle for results I had no hand in creating. I like a more hands-on approach.
It's the path less-traveled, I think. But in my case, it has indeed made all the difference in the world.
